Once long ago and far away
Above the misty mountains grey
Beyond the verdant plains of sage
Lived a King (who liked to bathe)

So much, indeed, did the King wash
He stayed submerged right through the clock
From dusk to dawn he ruled his land
Crown on noggin - loufa in hand

Things were good (and certainly clean)
In the magic land of the King
Yet still was heard (some) small grumbling
For his castle had no plumbing!

And every day, come rain or snow
The staff would trudge a mile or so
To carry water from the stream
To fill the tub of this odd King

The King knew this quite the hassle
And soon required of his castle
Water nearby and close at hand
(At least that was the royal plan)

So the call went out far and wide!
For a dowser to act as guide
In digging a great water hole
To help the royal bath to flow

Many came by and shook their heads
There's no water here (they all said)
We sense below your stony heath
And see no wellspring underneath.

This castle's built on sturdy stock
Dry as bone and mostly rock
It's no good wrecking your nice floor
You'll not find any water store

So the King and staff quite feared
Of never having water near
Doomed, it would seem, to deliver
All that water from the river

But then (one day) a stranger showed
Short in stature and long in nose
Strangely garbed in skeleton leaves
With muddy shoes and torn shirtsleeves

My name is Stout (the stranger said)
The best darn dowser ever lived
I'll find you a spring, have no doubt!
Or bless me if my name's not Stout!

And soon his service was engaged
And staff rejoiced from knight to page
Oh bless this stranger (whoever he is)
If he succeeds where others fizzed

No more buckets! (they loudly cheered)
We'll soon have lots of water near!
Oh bless the mighty name of Stout
He'll find our spring, we have no doubt!

So the dig started... well enough...
With arcane tools and fairy dust
Pendulums and dowsing sticks
(and other sorts of dowsing tricks)

With practiced eye and measured thumb
The stranger marched about and hummed
Not here. Not here. Not here either.
None there. None there. None there neither.

And when it seemed he'd not deliver
Stout's long nose began to quiver!
Ah ha! He shouted and then dug
Quickly at the foot of the tub!

First went the floor - then came the dirt
With shovel high he set to work
In a flash the earth upended
So it was that Stout descended

Soon the hole was remarkable deep
And so far down that no light reached
With sign of neither spring nor Stout
And goodness gracious he'd not come out!

O Stout! O Stout! (The King inquired)
I say, good man, aren't your tired?
This hole of yours is frightful deep
Why not rise for a bite to eat?

Oh no! (from below) Not done yet!
I'll dig until my feet are wet!
I'll find you a spring, have no doubt!
Or bless me if my name's not Stout!

So that well got deeper and deeper
The world's oddest plumbing feature!
With sign of neither spring nor Stout
And goodness gracious he'd not come out!

O Stout! (now with some consternation)
Shouldn't you stop your excavation?
Surely you've done more than your share
To find out if there's water here?

Oh no! (now fainter) Not done yet!
I'll dig until my feet are wet!
I'll find you a spring, have no doubt!
Or bless me if my name's not Stout!

Now the well was just astounding
Going to the earth's very founding
With sign of neither spring nor Stout
And goodness gracious he'd not come out!

O Stout! O Stout! (the King cried out)
PLEASE stop your digging! Please come out!
My bath is ruined by this pit!
You must stop now! You must now quit!

Oh no! (a whisper) Not done yet!
I'll dig until my feet are wet!
I'll find you a spring, have no doubt!
Or bless me if my name's not Stout!

And so this story's nearly told
This was (after all) long ago
Both King and castle are long gone
With empty tub and staff moved on

Yet some tell that even today
Above the misty mountains grey
Should you be out when moon is new
(and stand still for minute or two)

You can yet hear very faint sounds
Of something... something... underground
And perhaps...eh? A dowser's yell?
An echo way deep down a well?

Oh no! (from below) Not done yet!
I'll dig until my feet are wet!
I'll find you a spring, have no doubt!
Or bless me if my name's not Stout!

Please make sure to cite all Hearthside Stories to The Open Hearth Foundation. Otherwise, Hearthside Stories have been granted to the public domain for you to use or republish as you think best.